Man, Stevie Wonder always delivers.
You gotta admit he killed it tonight.
Yeah, I guess.
What? You didn't think it was a good show?
No, it was good. I just don't miss all that.
Getting up on stage, performing in front of all those people.
Made you happy you retired, huh?
Oh, yeah. Who needs all that stuff?
Screaming fans, chanting your name, fighting over sweaty towels.
It's unsanitary.
Sounds good to me, 'cause I'm liking our new arrangement.
Yeah. Who'd ever thought that my natural instrument was second fiddle?
I really appreciate you stepping back and giving me my turn in the spotlight.
Spotlight. That's another thing I don't miss.
It kind of puts all the focus on you, you know what I'm saying?
You're amazing.
I just never thought that you would adjust so fast to your new life.
Ah! When I make a decision, there's no looking back.
"MC Joe Speed live in concert."
♪ So you race 'em and replace 'em 'Cause you're racing to kill ♪
♪ Different flavors with your neighbors Always up in your grill ♪
I was so dope!
Y'all want more MC Joe Speed?
Yes, I want more MC Joe Speed!
That's what I need.
♪ Ooh, all about the Washingtons ♪
♪ It's like this, y'all Yes, yes, y'all ♪
Coffee maker, make coffee.
- It's not voice activated, Dad. - I was talking to you.
What were you doing that you came to bed so late last night?
- Just watching a TV show. - Until four in the morning?
I got caught in this long, Ken Burns documentary on...
Brooklyn Bridge? Roosevelt? Dust Bowl?
Yeah, that one.
Them bowls is mad dusty.
I got up at the crack of dawn to start taking care of business.
'Cause I'm working on the next stage of the Sip Stop master plan.
The Hip Hop Sip Stop.
[Daevon] You can shake your butt, and it will stay in your cup.
Daevon Gilbert Washington, those are supposed to be in the office.
It's not a toy.
Mom, you look amazing. Is that the new Steamroller Diet?
This is part of my cardboard sales force.
I can't be everywhere, but my 20 identical sisters can.
- Where you gonna put 'em? - Dry cleaners, car wash.
I got an idea.
Joey, you and I discussed this.
We want to do this on our own.
We don't need your help.
I was just going to state the obvious choice was
to put these in clubs. You can even give out samples.
What did I just say? We got this.
Yeah, we got this, Joseph "I can't remember your middle name" Washington.
How could you forget? It's Daevon. Silly.
[Justine] Daevon Gilbert Washington, stop shooting me in the face!
Fine.
I hate it when mom calls me "Daevon Gilbert Washington."
If you don't like getting yelled at, stop doing dumb stuff.
Oh, I don't care about getting yelled at. That builds character.
- Then what's the problem? - I just don't like hearing my middle name.
I mean, you hear "Daevon," you're like,
"This is cool. I like where this is going."
Then you get to "Gilbert" and it's just... [imitates car crash]
Yeah, it is kind of...[speaks gibberish]
- I wish I could change it. - To what?
Dracula.
[laughs] You want to change your middle name to Dracula?
Yeah, so it'd be like, Daevon "I like where this is going" Dracula.
We have arrived.
Okay. Let's do it. Let's change your name.
- What? You can do that? - Yeah.
I just gotta call the...city comptroller.
I had to call last week for something, so I remember the number.
Hello, is this the comptroller?
Well, can you get him on the phone, please?
It's my tax dollars, that's why.
Hello, Comptroller Jenkins, it's Wesley Washington.
My brother Daevon here would like to change his middle name to Dracula.
Could you... comptrol that for us?
Great, thanks.
Oh, love to Betty and the kids.
You're all set, Daevon Dracula.
That's it? I don't get a new birth certificate or anything?
Of course you do. He's gonna email it. It'll take a couple of hours.
This is so cool.
[Justine] Daevon Gilbert Washington, come pick up these Nerf darts!
She doesn't even know.
[]laughs]
- ♪ T-That's who you are ♪ - [grunts, sighs]
How many reps was that, man?
Zero bench presses for you. Like, 20 curls for me.
Man, whatever.
So, what's up with you today? Late night?
Yeah, man, I went to see Stevie Wonder, then I stayed up all night.
After parties? You still got it.
No, I was just watching old concert footage of myself.
Oh, you don't got it.
No, but I had it. I can't tell Justine this, but I miss it.
That sounds dangerous.
You know what? Retiring Joe Speed is like, remember Superman in Superman II,
when he gave up his powers, then he got his butt kicked
and he wanted his powers back. I want my powers back.
I'm confused.
This is a guy who can't do one bench press and you're comparing yourself to Superman?
You know what I mean.
[chuckles] Yeah, I know what you mean.
Here's what's going on, Joey.
You're a performer who's stopped performing.
You took something away, now you got to replace it.
Know what I do?
- What? - I paint.
I got a water bubble on my ceiling. I could set you up.
I'm talking about fine art.
You know Donatello, Michelangelo, Arsenio.
You talking about oil painting.
You're an artist.
You need to express yourself artistically.
Oh. I see that.
That could be dope.
And you could be Joey O.
That would be whack. Oh! You know who I'd be?
Van Joe.
[chuckles ironically]
Hey, Veronica,
I have the most amazing idea on how to market my Sip Stops.
I'm gonna hand out samples at the clubs.
Isn't that exactly what Dad said?
No, your dad said some idea about Sip Stops, night clubs.
I'm talking about customer acquisition at the user nexus.
Ooh, that sounds good.
Yeah, that is completely different.
Maybe we should tell Dad about your brilliant new idea.
- I don't see how that's necessary. - Hmm.
So, where's the hot spots?
My friends and I are going to Swagalicious tomorrow night. It's pretty cool there.
Great, I'll come with.
No. I am not taking my mom to the club.
Your mom...
or, like, the teenage runaway you found at the bus station?
No, Mom.
Come on, I feel like we never get to spend time together.
We just took a mother-daughter trip to Paris.
I feel like we never spend time together in the United States.
Remember when you were a little girl and we would play dress up
and pretend we were going to the clubs?
- And the couch was our stretch limo. - Oh, yeah, I remember.
Wait, remember the dance we made up?
[both] The JV Jive!
- Ha ha. - It was really the Electric Slide.
Oh, yeah, I found that out at Jessica Rosen's Bat Mitzvah
when I was the only one screaming, "JV Jive, keeping it alive!"
Oh, man, that's messed up.
What do you say?
You know what? Yeah, let's do it.
I do have one request.
Please don't steal my imaginary boyfriend this time.
Girl, Prince Usher Michael Jackson was never gonna be faithful to you.
They emailed your new birth certificate. There you go. Congrats, man.
Thank you. Wait, they messed up. They changed my first name.
What?
Yeah, they named me Dracula Gilbert Washington.
Oh, Jenkins.
Call him. They have to fix this.
Sorry, man, once he comptrols something, there's no way to de-comptrol it.
He has to de-comptrol it.
Listen, I am just as angry about this as you are.
Dracula as a first name? Everyone's gonna be scared of me.
And I still have that stupid middle name.
This is even more of a letdown.
It's not gonna be easy to tell Mom and Dad, either.
I wasn't even thinking about that. What am I gonna do?
I don't know, man.
Well, I've been about as helpful as I can be.
Sorry, Dracula.
- How's it going? - Man, you was right.
This is more exhilarating than standing in front of a crowd of adoring fans.
The idea is to get into the painting so intensely
that all other thoughts fade away.
I focus on the apple, and the apple fills my void.
See?
Hmm.
Let me see what fills your void, dawg.
All right.
Your void is much larger than I ever thought.
What do I do?
We got to get you on stage.
Hmm.
You have an itch that only a DJ can scratch.
I know a dude that has a place,
and he would love a drop-in from MC Joe Speed.
You're talking about a concert?
Man, I can't do that. I promised them.
She'll never know, Joey. It could be a secret show.
Unpublicized, unannounced.
A secret show? That could work.
You gotta let me open for you. I need my fix.
This painting crap does nothing for me.
Hey, I love your mom, but what's with the cardboard twin?
It's her new business.
- What business? - Embarrassing me to death.
I heard that. Don't listen to her, Malia.
These Sip Stops are gonna be the hottest thing.
I expect you girls to help me hand them out.
Mrs. Washington, we kind of came here to party.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did you all not get enough free food in my house for the last ten years?
We got you.
You're good.
Sorry, ma'am. Private party.
Listen. This is my squad. If I don't get in, no one gets in.
Right, squad?
We kind of really just want to go in.
- It's my only night off. - I love this song!
Pounds of groceries, 22 hours in labor.
We got you.
Can you please let her in? She's with us.
She's a teenage runaway. She has nowhere else to go.
All right. You're in.
You made the right choice.
What? You're not gonna card us?
Fine.
Moms, please don't be mad at me.
But I did something, and there's no going back.
Daevon, what are you doing?
- I wish I was still Daevon. - What?
I just wanted to change my middle name because I thought it was boring.
I asked Wesley to help and look what happened.
Dracula?
Wesley got Jenkins to change it and then Jenkins messed up.
Now there's no way to change it back, Wesley said Jenkins said.
Oh, yeah, Jenkins.
- Maybe I can fix this for you. - How?
Just leave it to me.
But in the meantime, if you need to drink some blood, start with Wesley.
[dance music playing]
It's not a coaster.
What is wrong with these people?
Isn't it obvious from the cutout how to use it?
Girl, why are you so mysterious?
Hey, get away from her. She's married!
People don't know what they are.
Maybe next time plan some sort of demonstration.
That's a good idea.
- [man grunts] - Ooh!
Spilled your drink? That's the worst.
But that wouldn't have happened if you had one of these.
Whoo!
Ooh!
Oh, you should have Sip Stopped.
Oh, my God, I am so sorry.
- Are you trying to start something? - Yes, a business.
Okay, well, you can't just go bumping into people.
I'm not bumping into people.
I'm bumping into customers.
But don't worry, I have more than one play in my playbook.
- Did you just put something in my drink? - Maybe. Maybe not.
You wouldn't have to ask if you had one of these.
Did you put something in my drink or not?
That's the point.
Without the Sip Stop, you just don't know.
It's nothing. It's nothing.
See?
Did you just drink my drink?
Veronica, did you just drink her drink?
You don't know what's in that.
Hey, you forgot your Sip Stop.
Mom, you said this was supposed to be fun, but it's not,
because I'm cleaning up your messes.
There wouldn't be any messes if people would just use the Sip Stop.
But they're not. Look around.
You're embarrassing yourself and me.
- Is that how it is? - Yeah, that's how it is.
Good. I don't need your help.
You can hang out with your entire package of Chips Ahoy-eating friends.
Okay, I will.
And don't even think I'm gonna leave you with any of the Sip Stop fortune.
[Justine grunts]
- [knocking door] - What's up, Sky?
I heard about your little joke with Dracula.
[laughs] Yeah, I know.
You know I almost felt bad, but then I was like, "Why?
I actually feel pretty good."
He didn't feel good, so I told him I would change it back for him.
There you go, being the joke police.
I'm sure you're gonna provide classmates at your new school with so much joy.
Yeah. The thing is, I wanted to show him what a real birth certificate looks like.
So I got ours from Mom and Dad's office, and I noticed something weird on yours.
Look.
What? It looks fine to me.
Look at where it says "Father."
"Unknown"? What the heck?
- That's what I said. - Is this on anyone else's?
No. All of ours say Joseph Daevon Washington.
- I don't get it. What? - Me neither.
Although, I do remember once overhearing
about how Mom and Dad went through a rough patch back in the day.
- Do you think? - Dad's not my dad?
I don't believe this.
It's funny how you only found this out because you played that trick on Daevon.
No, there's nothing funny about this.
You're right. Funny is not the right word.
Ironic.
Fortuitous.
I'm gonna leave you alone.
Um...Veronica, what's your mom doing?
Not that one, you gotta play this one. Play this.
[dance music playing]
Oh, my God, I can't watch.
Oh, wait, no, no, no. It's getting better.
Sorry.
- I meant worse. - Okay, we gotta help her.
There aren't enough groceries in the world to get me to do the Electric Slide.
That's not the Electric Slide. It's the JV Jive.
What are you doing here?
You and your friends get hungry?
No.
It just looked like you were doing the JV Jive with just the J and not the V.
That's because the V was embarrassed of the J.
Actually, the V is really sorry for saying that the J was embarrassing the V
and hopes that the J can forgive the V for being such a B.
Actually, the J was acting like an A.
- You forgive me? - Of course I do.
- JV Jive? - Keeping it live.
- Everybody say Sip. - Stop.
- Everybody say Sip! - Stop!
- Do you think anybody will join us? - Oh, definitely.
Soon this dance floor will be filled with people who are shaking their butt,
whilst keeping it in their cups.
Oh, yeah, see that guy, he's...
Nah, headed to the bathroom.
Oh, there's Malia and Lena...
Leaving.
- You want to call it a night? - Probably.
- Dance exit? - Definitely.
Hey!
These things that you made are amazing.
I fell on my ass, and it stayed in my glass.
I like that.
This is a pretty cool spot.
I think this used to be a soul food restaurant.
Justine loves this song, man.
It's fly. Old school.
What should I say in your intro?
Introduction? Man, I don't need no introduction.
Bet.
What you need to say is, four VMAs, platinum Grammy,
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, blue ribbon at the Turkey Chili Challenge.
Why aren't you writing this?
[trembling laugh]
How could you deceive me like this?
My whole life is a lie.
Does everybody in this family just talk to pictures?
- Mom, I need to talk to you. - Not now.
- I gotta get these feet in the tub. - Mom, this is important.
So are my toes.
What's wrong, Wes?
He found out that his birth certificate says that his dad is unknown.
Oh. That's, uh...interesting.
Wait, you know about this?
No.
You know what? I left my lesson plans in the car.
I don't want the raccoons to learn too much.
- No, you do know something. - No, I really don't.
- Yes, you do. I know that look. - The raccoons didn't tip you off?
- Veronica, do you know who my real dad is? - I was sworn to secrecy.
- Just leave well enough alone, Wes. - I can't.
[sobs] Please, for the sake of the man who raised you as his own son.
Our dad has done a lot for you, Wes.
Veronica, I deserve to know.
Okay.
Well, do you really think that's your prerogative?
Yes, tell me.
Because once you take this step, every little step you take.
Every little step I take what?
Are you ready for this new edition of your life?
I am. Why you making all these Bobby Brown references?
- No. - I'm afraid so.
My dad can't be Bobby freakin' Brown.
Although, I am an incredible dancer.
Oh, man, my dad is Bobby freakin' Brown!
[girls laughing]
- What's so funny? - You, you idiot.
Bobby Brown's not your dad. We were messing with you the whole time.
The birth certificate was so real.
And that's how a joke policewoman does a prank.
Like a boss.
How did Veronica...
Sky texted me on the way home
telling me that she was doing this, and I was like, "I am so in."
You know what? Y'all should be ashamed of yourselves.
You know, I almost felt ashamed, but then I was like, "Why?
I actually feel pretty good."
[both] Got him!
[cheering]
We have a special secret guest doing a special secret show for y'all.
But with a special secret show comes rules.
No video, no pics, no posting.
Hey, if you're a courtroom sketch artist, take your ass home right now. Okay?
Ladies and gentlemen, the recently retired,
but newly re-inspired MC Joe Speed!
[hip hop music playing]
Speed!
[crowd] That's what we need!
Here we go.
♪ So, you lace 'em and replace 'em 'Cause you're racing to kill ♪
♪ Different flavors 'cause your neighbor's Always up in your grill ♪
Okay, hold on.
Hi. How are you?
Can you please refrain from recording this?
I really appreciate it.
DJ Ruckus, bring the beat back.
♪ So, you lace 'em and replace 'em 'Cause you're racing to kill ♪
♪ Different flavors 'Cause your neighbor's... ♪
Hold on.
My deepest apologies, but to reiterate,
I'd love if this show could be our little secret.
Great.
Ruckus, break it down.
♪ So, you lace 'em and replace 'em 'Cause you're racing to kill ♪
♪ Different fl...♪
Okay. [laughs] One more time.
Um, I'm not sure what part of "secret" you guys aren't getting.
And now you're recording me telling you not to record me.
Ruck, can we just bring the lights up?
- Bring the lights up. - [audience clamoring]
Oh.
Okay, you got me.
I'm here to take my punishment, but before I face the music, tell me,
how did you know I was doing a secret show?
What? You had a secret show?
Oh, that's how you found out, 'cause I told you just now.
You sneaking around, performing behind my back, Joey?
Are you thinking about un-retiring?
- No. - You want to go back on the road?
No, I don't want to be away from my family.
But I can't help it. I miss being on stage.
I never told you you couldn't go on stage again.
I thought that was a part of our deal.
No, Joe. Our deal was that you're supposed to help more on the home front,
so I can run my business.
That doesn't mean you're supposed to quit cold turkey.
So, you're cool with me rocking the mic on an intermittent basis?
Yeah. You retired from touring, not from being you.
See, that's why you're my Jussy Jus.
Just don't sneak behind my back again.
I feel terrible about that. How can I make it up to you?
You can start with a 45-minute foot massage.
- Ah! I got off easy, I know. - [humming]
Wait a minute. If you didn't know about the secret show,
how did the cardboard cutout get to the club?
You know how those cutouts be acting. They got a mind of their own.
So, you took my idea and went around my back.
[stammers] I...
Yeah.
Work those toes.
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪
What are you doing?
Little snack before you go to bed, Dracula?
No, I'm a creature of the night now.
This is breakfast.
Dae-Dae, Skyler told me what happened, and I have some good news.
- I found a de-comptroller. - What?
Wait a minute.
There's only one living de-comptroller in the Tri-state area, and that's Johnson.
And he vowed to never de-comptrol again after...
- the Flannery incident. - [gasps] Ooh! The Flannery incident.
That's right.
But I found a document in the archives that proves
that the Flannery incident was not Johnson's fault.
He was so grateful that he agreed to de-comptrol, one last time.
- Wait, so you mean he... - Yes.
Daevon, you have your good name back!
As does Johnson.
Thank you. Thank you!
Mom, I spilled grape juice on the couch.
[Justine] Daevon Gilbert Washington!
Oh, sweet music.
[man rapping]
[theme music playing]